Me vs. The World

When I was a teenager I used to write in my journal at least once a day. I was constantly sharing my thoughts and venting out my emotions, which were then hormonally challenged. I was an angst ridden 16 year old "goth" girl with the world against me. Funny, looking back at that time I had no bills, no job(s), and still had yet to enter the world of dating the worst possible boyfriends.....ever. I lived in a beautiful home in the suburbs of Wichita, KS. I was given a brand new car with a matching gas credit card that my Father paid. I had an extensive wardrobe (mostly velvet, patent leather, and black) that my mother and I had put together over numerous trips to the mall and boutiques galore.Yet, with all those things (all which are NOT free to me anymore) and all of my free time, I was still journaling me vs. the world.

I was writing as if I had years of life experiences and an understanding of how things work. I was expressing my belief of how you could truly live on love and money didn't matter! I never understood what my parents were talking about half the time thinking their thoughts on life were ridiculous. I thought they were just being simple minded and not "thinking outside the box". Fact of the matter really being that I was the one in the box (suburbs of Wichita and 16 years of age) and they were the ones outside and looking in at me and telling me to just hold on. They wanted me to hold on and enjoy being 16 because they knew reality was around the corner. They wanted me to enjoy the luxury of being young and somewhat irresponsible with no consequences (i.e. being hungover for work, or well, at all). They were deep into adult-hood. Once you get there, you realize that yes, "youth is wasted on the young." (my Dad's famous quote). The energy all balled up in a 5 year old is what a 60 year old needs when he has a 5 year old (my father's case in 1984).

As most of us know, adult-hood has it's good points. We all love our independence. We all love not having a curfew (even though most of us are in bed at 10:00pm) or not having to get permission (unless a legal issue) to do the things we want to do. It is always a reward to earn and be able to provide yourself with the things you need, want, and desire. It is awesome to be a voice that is listened to because of the years under your belt. However, as our childhood becomes further distanced from our adult-hood, is when we start to realize that sometimes, and as cliche as it sounds, the grass is truly greener. I miss the days when I had time to write in my journal (hence me making the time today). I miss not having to be responsible for making sure bills get paid. I miss my summers of zero obligations except to my camera (Pentax K1000) and photo shoots with friends. I miss so many things from my past and am incredibley grateful for it.

So, as I have gotten older and have added chapters to my story I have a new appreciation on many different aspects of life. I also have been able to accept the fact that my parents were right and they actually knew what they were talking about, which for those of you who know me, has been a difficult process.

That all being said, I can look back on my endless stack of journals filled with tears, angst, love, rage, and occasional glitter, and think to myself, life is good, even when it doesn't feel that way.